The Art of Constructive Conversations

Have you ever wished your teams, pastors, and congregation were great at giving each other feedback? Ah, the Art of Constructive Conversations. Notice I didn’t say “constructive criticism,” I said, “constructive conversations.” But how?

The Culture you Create

I believe we must engage in safe, open conversations where we lovingly share our perceptions, opinions, encouragement, and suggestions. The end goal is for all of us to grow so that we can serve productively, effectively, and with longevity. If we tear each other down with criticism out of our frustration, we’ll destroy each other. If we “keep our opinions to ourselves,” we’ll effectively be stealing opportunities for growth, and end up burying our talents. Both are tragic and unacceptable.

The Art

This kind of conversation is an art. It will take time to learn it. “All discipline is painful,” Hebrews 12:11 reminds us, “but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Engaging in regular feedback will help us become people who stick close, are fiercely loyal to each other, and are committed to sharpening each other like iron!

When sharing feedback each week, do this:

Wear Their Shoes

After writing your comments (or as you think about what you’re going to say), ask, “If I was on the receiving end, would I _feel like it’s safe_ to learn here? Would the tone encourage me to _stay open relationally_ to the person giving the feedback?” If so, great! But if I would read that feedback about me (without all the warmth of body language and vocal tone that you miss via email), and call that person names or swear in my head, then change it.

Newsflash: I Have Blind Spots

You don’t, but I do. That’s the great value in this kind of perspective – you can see things that I can’t. Your vantage point is different than those in the congregation. You have at least an idea of what it’s like to be in my shoes. Yet, at the same time, I need you as a mirror because the reality is, “I have no idea what it’s like to be led in worship by me.” But you do.

Don’t Be Nice

Speak the truth in the language of love. Many people could’ve avoided being “American Idol’d” if at least one person they trusted would’ve been honest with them. I don’t mean candy-coat the truth. I mean be kind and give them your reasonable perception. But listen. Truth that’s spoken in love will be experienced as freedom. Make it sound like freedom. Talk like you’d want someone to talk to your “kid sister.”

It’s a Conversation, not a Facebook Comment

Don’t drop bombs and run. Think of ways to ask open-ended questions to invite a response. If you’re receiving feedback, continue the conversation with some agreement, perhaps some rebuttal, and some “thanks, I never thought of that before.”

Everything You Say is Your Opinion and Your Perception

And that’s what we’re asking for and expecting – your opinion, your perspective. While it’s fine (and even helpful) to say, “I think that…” don’t say “it’s just my opinion” or “IMHO.” Save that for the online forums. 

You Aren’t What You Do

Artists are often challenged by this disease – attaching who they are to what they do. The reality is that we have complete worth (perfect worth) in who Jesus says we are. We’re loved as a son or daughter and are pleasing to the Father because of what Jesus paid. Live out of that reality. You don’t need to perform for your acceptance or approval. (sigh…relief!)

But our art is often so personal, so emotional, that it feels like it’s us. It’s hard to see where it ends and we begin. One of the troubles with this is that when we do really well, we can quickly get proud (Satan must have been one fantastic musician). And when we do a lousy job, we feel worthless and like a piece of junk. Nothing could be further from the truth. So **hear feedback as if has nothing to do with your value.** Because it doesn’t.

Talk Like the Opposite of a Perfectionist

A perfectionist plays 1,000 notes, makes two mistakes, and is utterly oblivious to the 998 right notes (proving why there aren’t any perfectionist jazz players). Chances are, we know the spots where we made mistakes. Comments like “you messed those notes up in the bridge” aren’t helpful, because we probably already know. Highlight the bright spots, what was working, the moments when your heart raced, you saw real fruit, you were helped.

Build a Path

You won’t always know how to “fix” what’s amiss, but try to give suggestions on how to move beyond where they are. Have you been successful where they’re stuck? One way to do this is by saying what you want/like rather than what you don’t want or like. Saying “your midrange is so powerful and listenable, especially when you’re between a G and a D” is a better way than saying, “you sound awful above a D.” In a way, you’re helping them by “scripting the critical moves.” Don’t think big picture, think in terms of specific behaviors. Change is more natural when you know where you’re going and why it’s worth it. 

You and I

Classic feedback advice here: “I’d appreciate it if you wrote your comments using ‘I-statements.’” or “You must write your comments without so many ‘You-statements’!” (Which one feels better?)

Shrink the Change

We all started without knowing anything and had a huge learning curve ahead of us. Sometimes it still feels that way. We don’t want to stay stuck, but learning can be daunting. Break down the change until it no longer overwhelming. Sometimes you can suggest a simple tweak to the environment that’s a lot easier to change than behavior. Instead of saying, “You must learn to flow more,” try, “What would it take to play those two songs in A rather than in Bb and A?”

Suggest Habits

When a behavior is habitual, it’s “free”—it doesn’t tax us, we don’t need to try to do it, “it’s just habit.” Look for ways to encourage good habits. Some of what we observe are symptoms. Address the underlying cause by implementing good habits.

Decide that you and your Fellow Leaders Want to Grow

As a growing leader, commit to cultivating a sense of identity and spreading a growth mindset that says, “I can always learn. I can always change how I do things.”

Several of the phrases and concepts here have been from Chip and Dan Heath’s fantastic book _Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard._ https://heathbrothers.com/books/switch/

-Dave Helmuth
(purchase my book, "Worship Fertilizer: (the first hundred)" HERE)

The Art of Constructive Conversations (Nº 38)